


Wanted

by berlynn_wohl



Category: U2
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-07
Updated: 2002-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-26 09:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/281570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berlynn_wohl/pseuds/berlynn_wohl





	Wanted

[Bono and Edge sit in a cafe with a newspaper laid out between them.]

BONO: Ah, come on, don't circle that one. I don't want to work in a plastics factory. They're like a hundred degrees. People pass out all the time.

EDGE: [He circles the ad anyway.] We can't just eliminate any job that offends your delicate constitution. Here, what about the blood bank? There's no commitment. We only have to do it until we get as much cash as we need.

BONO: No way. Nothing with needles. [He takes Edge's pen and draws a big red X through the Blood Centre's ad.]

EDGE: Well, your fickleness has left us with two options. Picking up leaves in the park...

BONO: I like nature.

EDGE: ...or prostitution.

BONO: Wait, you mean girls will pay me for that? What are we wasting our time here for? Excuse me, Miss...!

EDGE: Sit down!

BONO: Okay, here, let me see this. [He turns the paper around.] Why didn't you mention this one? "Wanted - models for life drawing classes at Burren College of Art. Top cash paid." And then it has the number.

EDGE: No.

BONO: It's not like they'll know us. Burren's over in County Clare. We just go in, strip off, stand there, and rake in the cash.

EDGE: I don't want a bunch of strangers looking at my body.

BONO: They're professionals! You go to the doctor, don't you?

EDGE: That's completely dif---

BONO: This is just like going to thirty doctors. With easels.

EDGE: I really don't think it's a good idea.

BONO: Are you kidding? It's a great idea! Being captured on paper forever in all one's naked glory. [Edge is not buying it.] Fine then. You can go donate blood. But see the thing is... [He takes Edge's arm.] You're pretty skinny. [He runs two fingers in a circle at the crook of Edge's arm.] It might take a while for them to find a proper vein. They may have to stick you three or four times, dig around a little...

EDGE: [He jerks his arm out of Bono's grip.] Knock it off. [Silence. He looks at the ad again, then back at Bono.] I'll do it if you'll do it.

BONO: Well that's good, 'cause I would only do it if you said _you_ would do it.

EDGE: You bastard.

[They shake hands to seal the deal.]

  
****

  
[The classroom is spacious, but the circular arrangement of the desks makes it cramped, hard to move around. In the center of the room is a raised platform, upon which sit a nervous but still clothed Bono and Edge. Students mill about, trying to find a good seat, talking amongst themselves and ignoring the boys on the platform. When the professor enters, things settle down. After a brief lecture about the objectives of that day's class, the professor turns to Bono and Edge.]

PROFESSOR: May we have our models, please?

[Edge starts to stand up. Bono is still sitting. Edge taps Bono on the shoulder.]

EDGE: [Whispers.] Come on, here's your chance. Naked glory and all that.

[Bono stands and slowly pulls his shirt over his head. He pauses to look around the room at the thirty pairs of eyes eagerly waiting for him to undress, already turning him into a collection of shapes and planes.]

[Meanwhile, Edge has eased swiftly out of his clothes and gracefully raises himself onto the platform. The students' amusement at Bono's shyness is overtaken by their awe at Edge's effortlessly refined form. He stands next to Bono with quiet satisfaction.]

BONO: I hate you so much right now.

STUDENT: Why do we have two today?

PROFESSOR: These nice young men were the first to show up, but they insisted they would only pose together.

[There are amused murmurs.]

BONO: Hey now, it's not like that...

EDGE: Shush. You'll only make it worse.

PROFESSOR: [To his models.] The first few poses will be quick, and as we go they'll be longer, alright? Can we have one of you standing and one crouching?

[Bono is too scared to move, so Edge crouches down. It's only thirty seconds before the professor directs them again. Edge's transitions from pose to pose are smooth, the lines of his body fluid. Bono's poses are less varied, and he becomes increasingly fidgety as the class goes on and he has to stay motionless for longer.]

PROFESSOR: Try to stay still, please.

BONO: Sorry. [Whispers.] Edge...

EDGE: I know. I know.

[When the class nears its end, the students pin their drawings up for a critique while Bono and Edge pull their clothes back on. Bono is momentarily (and possibly for the first time) relieved that everyone's attention is no longer focused on him, until he looks up and sees thirty nude drawings of himself on the wall.]

PROFESSOR: First of all I want to thank our models. They both proved to be interesting subjects. Now whose is this? Maire? [Points at a drawing of Edge.] Maire, wonderful job of capturing the essence of his form. You can really see not just the lithe body structure, but the lithe movement. There is an important lesson to be learned here, everyone. Even when a person is standing perfectly still, it is possible to capture action. [He points to an adjacent drawing of Bono.] Incidentally, Maire has also done a good job of making our other, rather more active model look like he was actually keeping still.

[There is scattered laughter from the class. Edge smiles and gives Bono a brotherly sock in the arm. Bono sulks.]

PROFESSOR: That's our time. See you next week, everyone.

  
****

  
[The following week Bono and Edge are invited back for another session. The professor had hinted that to have just Edge would be fine, but Edge asserted that they are a package deal.]

BONO: Jesus. Do you think we could get some heat in here? [He looks down.] I'm afraid your students are going to get the wrong impression of me, if you catch my meaning.

[The professor sends a student out to retrieve a space-heater.]

[Bono, jealous of the praise Edge received, has grown bolder today. When the time comes for a long pose, he stands close and rests both hands on Edge's shoulder, resting his chin on his hands so he's practically breathing in Edge's ear. He is determined to ruin his friend's good standing by whispering, under the noise of the heater, all manner of things in his ear to make him laugh or twitch. But Edge is impervious.]

BONO: Space-heaters are worthless. Now my arse is scorched but the rest of me is still freezing.

EDGE: [Smirks but remains still.]

BONO: Why is it that the cold makes your willy shrink, but your nipples stick out?

EDGE: [Out of the corner of his mouth.] Shut up...

BONO: Hey check out that girl over there, in the green shirt. I think she fancies you. Watch the way she looks at you. And I think also the bloke next to her fancies you...You know, I just realized. I can never run for political office now. [Adopts posh accent.] What if these scandalous drawings were to surface before the elections? It would be an absolute disgrace.

[The critique at the end is a repeat of last week's. The professor commends Edge's poses as much as he praises the students' work.]

BONO: [Whispers.] Looks like the professor fancies you as well.

[The students themselves obviously favor Edge. In the early shorter drawings, his dynamic poses were jotted down first; it appears that time was up for that drawing before they could get very far on Bono. Sometimes Edge is very thoroughly detailed - eyes, body hair, curves of the ear - while the rendering of Bono's form is more cursory. Bono gently elbows Edge and points out a few drawings: more than one girl has caricatured Edge's svelte, wiry frame, making him look like a predecessor of Versace's coquettish man-boy models. A few of the men in the class have also done great justice to his body, with one notable recurring exception.]

BONO: They drew loincloths on us.

EDGE: Yeah, I noticed that.

BONO: Maybe some people just aren't ready for the full Bono experience.

EDGE: I'm sure that's exactly what it is.

[As soon as class is dismissed, a female student, Carolyn, rushes over to Edge, clutching her newsprint pad and pencils to her chest. She gives him a flirty smile before speaking.]

CAROLYN: Excuse me, can I ask you something?

EDGE: Please don't tell me you know me from somewhere.

CAROLYN: No, I don't think so. Where are you from anyway?

EDGE: Dublin.

CAROLYN: North or South?

EDGE: North.

CAROLYN: Ah. No wonder you're desperate for cash.

EDGE: Well, I'm in a band actually...

CAROLYN: [She waves her hand derisively.] Yes, everyone's in a band. Listen, I think you're a wonderful model, and I'm wondering if you've got time to do a private session for me tomorrow afternoon.

EDGE: I don't know about that...

CAROLYN: Paid, of course.

EDGE: Oh. Well...

CAROLYN: Whatever they paid you for today, I'll double it.

EDGE: Really?

CAROLYN: Sure. But not your friend, okay? He doesn't seem very professional.

EDGE: Em...well... [Straightens up.] Sure, I'll do it.

CAROLYN: Fantastic. [She hands him a slip of paper with her address on it.] Two o'clock. Tomorrow.

EDGE: Got it. Should I...I mean...Should I bring anything?

CAROLYN: [She looks him up and down.] Just that. [She smiles and walks away.]

[Almost immediately another student, male, approaches Edge.]

STUDENT: Were you talking to Carolyn just now?

EDGE: [He reads the slip of paper.] Apparently.

STUDENT: Let me guess. She invited you to her place for a "private session."

EDGE: ...Yes.

STUDENT: [He rolls his eyes.] Some people have no shame. Well, good luck. [He leaves.]

BONO: What's going on?

EDGE: [He looks at the slip of paper and whimpers.]

  
****

  
[Edge does not know Carolyn's telephone number; he cannot call to cancel their session now that he has thought better of it. But he wants to be polite, so he finds her apartment and there she is, sitting on the front steps, despondently smoking a cigarette and looking like an artist.]

EDGE: Hello. I'm glad I found you. Look, I wanted to tell you that I've changed my ---

CAROLYN: Oh, wonderful, you're here! I can't wait to get started. Right this way. [She grins and grabs him by the wrist, dragging him into the building.]

EDGE: But, wait, there's something I have to tell you ---

CAROLYN: Shh! [Whispers.] The landlady lives right here. She doesn't need to know I'm having strange men over. [She puts a finger to her lips.] Wait until we're in my studio.

[They tiptoe down the corridor. Her apartment is the very last one. She unlocks the door and they step inside. It is an airy, sparsely furnished studio with hardwood floors and large, grimy windows. There is a mattress on the floor in the corner, books stacked up to shoulder-height, and in the middle of the room, a sheet-draped sofa and an easel.]

CAROLYN: We can get started right away, if you don't mind. I'm afraid I don't have coffee or anything to offer you.

EDGE: That's fine, because you see I'm afraid I've changed my mind.

CAROLYN: Changed your mind about what? [She pulls out a wad of cash and is counting out bills.] By the way, will this be enough for the afternoon? [She holds out a small fortune for him to see.]

EDGE: That...wow...em...That certainly would be enough, if ---

CAROLYN: Good, why don't you stand right there in front of the sofa. We'll do a few sketches while you're still dressed, until you get comfortable.

EDGE: No, but you...I...[He looks at the easel, then again at the cash, which she has set aside on a drawing table. It certainly was a generous payment, and she did seem to be very professional so far.]

CAROLYN: Are you warm enough? You're trembling.

EDGE: I'm fine. It's fine.

CAROLYN: Good, because the heater's broken. [She sits behind her easel.] Can you raise one arm up, like this? Perfect. [She sketches furiously, in bursts, pausing occasionally to sit back and study her subject. She is pleasantly challenged by the folds of his rumpled dress shirt and torn jeans.] Did you not bother to comb your hair this morning?

EDGE: What? No, it's supposed to look like this.

CAROLYN: [Shrugs.] Well, who am I to judge. Turn around, please, and put your weight on one foot. Good. Don't move. Wait. Tilt your head. Okay. Don't move.

EDGE: Did you paint these walls yourself? They're very expressive.

CAROLYN: Aren't they? I did them with Michael. He was my lover at the time. We painted the walls and then we painted each other. I love the way paint looks on human skin. It was such a turn on, we didn't think to open the windows for ventilation, and we were both hospitalized because the fumes made us ill. Would you like to take your clothes off now? You're very good, by the way. How long have you been a model?

EDGE: [Disrobing.] Since last week.

CAROLYN: Last week! I thought you were a professional.

EDGE: I told you, I'm in a band.

CAROLYN: Oh. Why don't you relax on the sofa for these ones. I'd like to do some longer poses now.

EDGE: [He sits, nervously.] Like, how?

CAROLYN: Scoot back against the arm of the...there you go. And kind of, lean on your elbow. Good. Beautiful.

[She takes her time now rendering him. He stares at a blue, hand-shaped blotch on the wall and thinks about what the band will do with the money.]

EDGE: Can I ask you a question? If you're such a penniless bohemian, where'd you come up with my payment?

CAROLYN: My family is quite well-off. They send me money all the time, but I think it's vulgar, so I pass it along to whomever I think needs it more than me.

EDGE: That's very philanthropic.

CAROLYN: Besides, it would only be appropriate that I paid you...handsomely. Can you turn over on your stomach now? And put your hands on the arm of the sofa. [He does so.] Hmm....bend your knees. Wait, no, em, turn your knees outwards a little.

EDGE: Like this?

CAROLYN: No, I want you to, like, rotate...here, let me. Like this. [She gets up and crouches in front of the sofa. She grabs his knee and turns it outward, leaving Edge's inner thighs exposed and vulnerable.]

CAROLYN: Oh, you've got such nice legs. Has anyone ever told you that?

EDGE: Em, no...

[She runs a hand up his thigh, squeezing the muscles as she goes. Edge panics and scrambles over the arm of the sofa, cowering behind it. He peeks over the back of the sofa, his chin against his hands as they grip the sheet.]

EDGE: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That is not cool. I don't think you understand. I...[He thinks fast.] I..have a girlfriend!

CAROLYN: So?

EDGE: What do you mean, so?

CAROLYN: [Shrugs.] Whatever. I must confess, in a way I am relieved. I sort of expected this to happen, but I figured you would refuse me because you had a boyfriend.

EDGE: A what?

CAROLYN: Well who is that other boy that you modeled with in class?

EDGE: He's just a friend. He's in my band.

CAROLYN: Oh come on. I'm not blind. I saw the way he treated you up there.

EDGE: He doesn't mean anything by it. He's just affectionate.

CAROLYN: Yes. Affectionate in a naked, public way.

EDGE: Look, it's five o'clock. The afternoon is over and I have fulfilled my obligation. So if you'll excuse me I'm going to collect my money and make myself scarce...Well, first I'm going to put some clothes on, and THEN I'm going to collect my money and make myself scarce.

[He does so.]

CAROLYN: [She sighs as she locks the door behind him.] Men like him are too scarce as it is.

[She returns to her easel.]

  
****

  
[Bono and Edge are shopping around for equipment on Exchequer Street. Edge has a notepad in his hand and is totaling up some figures.]

BONO: You told her you had a girlfriend? That's cute.

EDGE: Well I do...somewhere. I just haven't met her yet. [Bono laughs.] Well what would you have done?

BONO: [Shrugs.] I would have told her I had a boyfriend. At least she would have believed me. Where's the money? [Edge shows it to him.] Jesus! Look at all that. Imagine how much she would have given you if you'd let her have her way with you.

EDGE: Can we not talk about it any more?

BONO: Sure, no problem... [Begins whistling the theme from "Midnight Cowboy."]

EDGE: Okay, if we buy a new amp for me and one for Adam then we can get a third-rate pedal for Larry's bass drum, but if we only get one amp we can get a top-quality pedal _and_ a new set of strings for...for...em, Bono?

[Bono has stopped in front of a tacky boutique. Displayed in the window is a pair of white patent-leather Cuban-heel boots.]

BONO: I must have them.

EDGE: What do you want those for? Everything you wear is black.

BONO: [Points.] Can we get me those as well? Oh please.

EDGE: Sorry. We don't have enough.

BONO: [He checks in his pockets.] Look, just give me fifteen, I can cover the rest.

EDGE: Bono, there's not enough.

BONO: [Thinks.] Okay. Then just give me some change for the phone box.

EDGE: Why?

BONO: I'm going to find out if Carolyn needs another model. I hear the pay is excellent.


End file.
